Lady Porn

Or, as they are more popularly known, romance novels.



I think romance novels are the lady equivalent to Penthouse and Hustler.



Why, you ask?



Well because most all ladies love reading romance novels... they are fun and they make us giddy.



But most all ladies will never admit to reading them, and, in fact, may hide them in a box under their bed. They might also put the book jacket of a respectable book over the cover of a romance novel so that they can read it in public without embarassment.



I've never done this, of course... but I have heard that this is done.



Also, in the immortal words of Big Keith from The Office,"Men are turned on by what they see, ladies are turned on by what they hear."

Thus, reading a romance novel is akin to looking at T and A in a magazine.



I consider myself to be quite a connossieur of the romance novel genre. When I was 13 my best friend and I would scour the local thrift stores for old romance novels, and hole up for entire weekends reading and discussing them... good times.

Don't think any less of me though because as a rule of thumb I always read at least 5 real books for every romance novel. They're sort of like a palate cleanser... like a citrus sorbet after a heavy meal... or Die Hard With A Vengeance after you've watched 4 Fellini Movies.



Here is my list of the top romance novels I've ever read:



1. Mr. Darcy Takes A Wife by Linda Berdoll - This plot of this book really gets in the way of the real intention of the book: describing all of the different ways Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth have sex. It's slightly more classy because it's a sequel to a classic novel, but it's oh so wrong in all of the right ways.



2. A Pirate's Love by Johanna Lindsay - This book is ridiculous. It's about a girl who married off to some guy in the Caribbean, but on the trip over to marry him her ship is attacked by a pirate ship and the captain makes her his love slave and they hate each other and then they love each other and blah blah blah. It's hot though... super hot.



3. Gentle Rogue by Johanna Lindsay - I wish you could see the copy that I have of this book. It features a shirtless Fabio holding on to a red-head whose dress is about to fall off... it's awesome. The plot of this one is as convulated as the previous... if not more. It's about a plucky young woman who stows away on a ship dressed as a boy and serves the captain as his cabin boy. Captain discovers cabin boy is actually a cabin girl and they have lots of sex and they hate each other and then they fall in love.



4. A Rose in Winter by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss - Again... ridiculous. This one is like some bastard child of Beauty and the Beast and The Phantom of the Opera.

5. Morning Glory by Lavyrle Spencer - This one is so sickeningly sweet it might as well be made of corn syrup and sweetened condensed milk. Your mom will love it, your grandma will even love it, and, as much as you won't want to, you will probably love it too.


Enjoy!... or don't because in truth every time you read one of these your IQ drops 10 points and it takes a lot of work to get those back. I speak from a lot of experience.


And, as a bonus, check out these hilarious fake romance novel covers.